Unconditional is defined by the dictionary as “absolute” And this post is about Unconditional Support. This is probably the most personal post I could come up with, but it is also the most relevant. So here it goes, what is love really? What does it mean to feel loved, be loved?
Recently I sat down at my regular writing routine and saddened by the discovery that I have yet to fully understand what it is love. And before anyone jumps to any conclusion, no this wasn’t coming up because of relationship, friendships, or family conflicts. Ironically, this topic came up while on the journey to fully understand and seek out a deeper relationship with a higher power.
You see I do believe that God, Buddha, Allah, The Universe, The All-Powerful and Knowing Spirit, whatever you want to call this thing that is bigger and greater than I am, does love ALL people unconditionally. But I couldn’t come up with how that love would feel or look like and began making excuses as for why that love wouldn’t really happen to me.
Maybe I don’t want this Higher Power to love me because I still believe that love is linked to abuse. And that is what stopped me in my tracks. There is still a part of me that views love as I did when I was 4 years old and heard my parents say “I love you” but would abuse me at the same time. Maybe, I have no clue what love really means… That is a jaunting thought.
Looking back at my life I realized that I have been carrying this message around for quite some years. I would keep my distance in relationships (romantic and friendships) with the thought I could love them from afar. But what ended up happening was just me pretending to let these individuals into my life until I felt it was getting too close for comfort and then run away without reason.
After a while of that not working so well I began hanging out with people who were completely unavailable. You know the types, the ones that were in relationships, going through a breakup, had overpacked schedules, or alcoholics whose first priority is their addiction. Pretty sure there wasn’t much love there either.
And how about the love I had for myself? I replicated the same theory that loved equaled abuse. I would starve my body, over exercise, throw up, overeat, took diet pills, lived on coffee, and crammed my body full of diet chemicals. That is definitely not love. After 20 years of doing this day in and day out without having a real connection, I broke the cycle and did major damage control.
I relearned how to eat, live, breathe healthily. I gained some of the most sincere relationships that I could ever imagine and felt feelings for the first time in years. Even love… well especially love. Love definitely has been prevalent in the past 6 years as I have healed, and grown, and discovered some kick-ass beautiful aspects of life. But I guess there has been a part of me that still holds onto the theory that Love is scary, and a Love is painful and Don’t Get Too Close!
So I conclude that my next chapter in life is really discovering what love is, the deeper meaning. The master class of relationships, life and what this world holds. I have friends who love me, a boyfriend who loves me unconditionally, my mom who has been the biggest miracle of my life and who loves me to the moon and back. I am jotting down notes on what this love looks like and feels like.
I am dumping my old perceived idea of what love was and creating a new definition. Why am I taking the time to do this? My old definition just doesn’t work for me anymore and has been a big barrier in all of my relationships without me even realizing it. My relationship with The Big Guy In The Sky will ultimately be stronger, cheesy I know. But it means my intuition will be even better than before, I can be guided to where I need to go in this life, and I am open to more miracles this Universe has to offer. More than just that my relationships will grow 10 fold, and I can give back what has been given to me so generously.
So it is a ‘to be continued’ as I go out from here and collect the data on what this whole Love thing looks like truly. For the first time, I am actually excited about it.
Do you have to redefine what love is too? Or do you have an amazing view on love you want to share?